Gallery of work

Saturday, May 15, 2010

the death of a nap

I am in mourning. Mourning over the death of my oldest son's nap time. He has always been a good sleeper. He slept through the night at 10 weeks old. He took great naps when he was a toddler. I remember a time when he would sleep 3 to 4 hour naps and I would have glorious time to myself to do whatever I wanted. He is now 5 and a half and it seems we are finally done with naps. I thought it was over a year ago, but not wanting to give up that time, I pushed naps on him because it seemed he still needed the sleep. Over this past year though, the nap has been slowing dying. It went from most days he was napping to a few days a week to only one or two days a week. It has now been about 3 weeks since his last nap, and yesterday when I attempted to make him nap (and it didn't work out), I realized I was going to have to let it go. I cried some tears. Not only has the nap died, but my alone time in the afternoon has died with it. It is the end of an era so to speak. He will be in kindergarten in the fall, most likely in the mornings. This of course is when my other boys are awake. They will nap when the older one is home in the afternoons. I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world, but motherhood is hard and exhausting work. I always looked forward to that hour or two when it was just me and the house was quiet, and I could just rest for awhile to gear up for the second half of the day. But no longer will I have those times. That is why I am in mourning. I will probably be sad for a few days, but soon I will get used to the change. I suppose I should treasure these precious moments, because time will go by fast and one day I will be sitting here, the house quiet, and I will miss those sweet little voices.
So goodbye nap time. You will be missed.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

mother's day

Today is Mother's Day. My husband has graciously given me the day off. I am sitting at the Borders Books cafe, sipping a latte, looking at magazines, and now writing in my blog. I am so thankful to have some time away from the kids, the house, the dog even. It's nice to have some time to myself without someone needing something from me.

I love being a mother. I have always wanted children and wanted to be a stay at home mom, and God has so graciously given me these desires of my heart. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways. It has brought out the worst in me at times, or at least has cast light on many of my faults. It's funny how parenting reveals parts of you that you did not know existed. My journey of motherhood did not start off the way I planned it. My hopes and dreams were crushed when at 20 weeks into my first pregnancy I was faced with the news that I was carrying a child with a severe birth defect. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. I was afraid. The weeks and months that followed were a series of ups and downs, and in the end my precious first born son passed out of this life into the arms of Jesus. But thanks be to God, who is full of healing and grace, that He has turned my sorrow into joy and healed me in so many ways since then.

Despite a little fear and worry, my husband and I went on to conceive another child, and two more after that. I now have these three precious sons, gifts from God, who have been entrusted to my care. There are days that I want to run and hide because I feel like I cannot take another minute of crying, whining, bickering, sassy talk, disciplining, diaper changing, mouth wiping, and the list could go on. But when I go into their rooms to check on them before I go to bed, I am overjoyed and incredibly grateful that I have been chosen to be the mommy to these precious little boys. And then I wake up and do it all over again.
Thank you God for giving me the gift of motherhood.

Monday, May 3, 2010

my sweet little Matthew

Saturday would have been the 7th birthday of my first born son Matthew. He passed away 7 years ago this July. Looking back on that day, I remember how it was both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. It's hard to describe the mixed emotions I felt that day. I was frightened and excited at the same time. Would he survive the birth? Would he survive the first few hours, days, maybe even weeks? We were told he might not survive the pregnancy at all, and there I was on the operating table about to bring him into the world. Those days in the hospital were horrific. Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday and other times it seems so far away. Sometimes it seems like a nightmare. I look at the pictures of Matthew lying there in the NICU bed, on the ventilator, and I cannot believe we went through all of that. I miss him. I often wonder what he would have looked like, what he would have been interested in, how he would have interacted with the world around him. Happy Birthday Matthew darling. You are forever in my heart.