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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

my little Matthew

Today is an important day. Today is the birthday of my late son Matthew. He would have been 9 years old today. I cannot believe that is has been 9 years. Nine years ago today I gave birth to this precious little boy who fought for his life for 75 days. A precious little boy who came into the world struggling to live. I remember wanting to be happy but struggling to be because I knew that his life hung in the balance. When I reflect back to that time, so many thoughts and images come to mind:

-being terrified
-seeing the faces of my parents, my sister, and my in-laws after I delivered and feeling so comforted by them.
-hating that I could not see Matthew right away
-waiting to see a video or a photograph that Mike had to take and bring to me
-seeing Matthew for the first time, being wheeled down to the NICU in a wheelchair, feeling so much love for this little boy who was so helpless
-feeling helpless
-holding his little hand in mine and trying to communicate to him that I was there and I loved him
-having family prayer times in the chapel and the NICU waiting room
-am emotional roller coaster
-encouraged and uplifted by Believers (many who didn't even know us)
-agonizing in prayer, wanting healing but wanting God's will to be done
-not wanting our faith to fail
-pumping breast milk, buying a crib, all in the hopes that Matthew would live and maybe come home to be with us
-feeling closer to God than I ever had, and truly knowing He was there with us and with Matthew
-finally getting to hold Matthew after a month and a half of not being able to
-the amazing NICU nurses who took care of our son, and loved him too, they were a blessing to us
-feeling the love and support of so many who came to the hospital to see Matthew and comfort us
-holding Matthew as he passed out of this life and into the arms of Jesus
-the picture of all of our family getting to surround us and hold Matthew one at a time after he had passed, and my dad praying a beautiful prayer for all of us
-crying many, many tears and feeling like someone had just punched me in the heart
- sadness
-feeling an incredible void and emptiness

I can say now that God has healed me in so many ways since those first days, weeks, and months of grief. He has held me in His hand and given me hope. He has blessed me with three other boys who are such a joy to my life. And my biggest answer to prayer is that my faith did not fail. It has only gotten stronger.